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Does anyone help their parents here?

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1 Does anyone help their parents here? on 3rd January 2010, 1:52 am

Ok so I just needed a rant a little bit.. I wonder if "mamma" or "babbo" ever get "taken-out" or treated to a nice meal by their "grown" children here.. I see sooo many people living with their parents or given a house/food/car and never even treat their parents to a movie and seem perplexed when I ever ask "what did you get/do your mom for her birthday?"... i find that really strange!!!! I often here the excuse well we show our love in other ways but what? you mean mooching off them and answering bad when mamma asks something??? please... no.. I always try and bring flowers or dinner out for my boyfriends parents and they are always say "you dont have to do it.. " but come on...! i WANT to do .. as annoying as my future "mil" is.. she deserves a break lol..


anyone else thoughts??

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2 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 3rd January 2010, 2:11 pm

We saw an old man in the place we like to eat some months ago he was sitting alone and was chatting to the owner saying it was his birthday and he was celebrating alone. His son was to busy with his wife so he was spending the day alone and he had bought himself a big cake and wasnt going to let anyone have any of it as they couldnt even be bothered to spend time with him on that special day.

This made me feel really sad for him, especially as italian parents seem to do a hell of alot for there children! Crying or Very sad

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3 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 3rd January 2010, 5:15 pm

For my parents in law's 45th weddding annivesary we paid for them to have a 6 day break in Calabria...and we are broke at the best of times. If we go to their place for lunch, which we do most Sundays as they like to see us (and us them!), we usually bring a contribution and we take some flowers now and again. They don't come to us much, I think they prefer to entertain at their home. We always plan what we are going to do together for all family birthdays and festas. We also speak to them regularly to see how they are.........just normal things. They are getting too old to help us, but in an emergency we know we can always count on them, and them on us. We are very close, in a good way, we depend on each other and everyone has time to listen, cry, laugh...! Maybe I am just lucky but on the whole my family experiences here have been good. .
My neighbour as 2 sets of elderly parents to look after...and she meets herself coming backwards trying to make sure they are all OK. I know lots of families around here that are really close and look after each other...maybe it is coz I live outside the city, in an area where families have grown up together...boh!

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4 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 3rd January 2010, 5:19 pm

thats great lizzie, seems like you have a good balence.. I truly think this is a problem with the "younger" generation.. my bf's parents took care of i nonni until they died and was very close with them .. I am alwayscareful to say thank you , bring wine or flowers ect ect.. I know some people here ( ok granted they are in their 20's who have never even given their parents a bday gift or went to the movies with their parents since they were bambini.. shocking to me boh!

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5 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 4th January 2010, 3:27 pm

It is the parents' job to instill good values in their kids. If their children do not treat them well what does that say about the examples they have been set? I am not saying it is always the fault of the parents, but it seems that so many things are passed down from generation to generation: attitude towards the law, disregard for auto safety, my house is a temple but I can chuck rubbish out of the car window, attitude towards foreigners, bella figura, judging people based on how they look.....of course these things are not exclusive to Italy...but if the parents' do certain things it's obvious that the children will think it is normal and acceptable. If the parents 'served' their children, never taught them to give anything back, or take responsibility for anything, then what do they expect...
I mean have you seen the little 'darlings' and how their parents treat them like gods no matter how badly they behave? ....you reap what you sow!!!!
(ouch, just fell off my soap box! )

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6 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 4th January 2010, 4:01 pm

you are right lizzie , kids absorb like a sponge! this is without a doubt! but i do believe that once you become an adult some personal responsibility has to be given . My boyfriend loves to play the parent card but if that was the case I would be in Texas happily married maybe? lol..but yet Im here! your friends-school- has just as much as influence which may be a good or bad thing in Italy. che ne so.. Laughing I know me and my 3 brothers have led 3 very different life paths but were raised the same way ..boh?

I am so sick of hearing from people here "my parents never motivated me therefore I am content with a part-time job and living with my parents forever.. ', it just doesnt cut it for me.. im like well if you know that and can acknowledge that than you can also CHANGE that.. bounce ... but lets see what this decade has to give! hopefully more! Smile

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What do you mean by the younger generation? Are you talking 20? I wasn't terrible considerate towards my folks in my college years. It is not at all true that young (I like to think I am young, so I am talking thirty-year-olds here) Italians are such unmotivated ingrates. True, most of my friends here do not give their mothers gifts for their birthdays or on mother’s day. However they do demonstrate a deference and consideration for their parents that few people I know back home (including myself) would ever show. They go home every Sunday for lunch, or if their parents live father away, they go home for every holiday. Many even keep their home residency rather than change it so that they have to go home every time they vote or renew their ID cards, not breaking the connection with their parents' home until they get married. When they do come home, it is lunch and dinner at home with mom and dad, lots of quality time -- almost to a morbid level. For the majority of Italian parents I know, these are the very gestures they are looking for. Their children never struggle for independence and to some extent never become adults within the family unit. I believe that many parents wouldn’t have it any other way.

[Also people who have part-time jobs are not necessarily unmotivated. Part-time employment in this country is a result of the horrible labor laws and employment practices in use in this country, which devalue and demoralize the worker. Yes, some people may not have a killer career instinct, but most people my age (30) from social workers, to teachers, university researchers to journalists, are humiliated to be offered part-time contracts lasting just a few months, for less money a month than it takes to live on their own in Rome.]

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8 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 5th January 2010, 7:39 pm

yeah i was referring to people around my age mid 20's... and i was feeling frustrated the day I wrote it ( hence put in "im an expat get me out of here" section; after hearing some friends complain that their parents didn't motivate them to be more independent which was kinda shocking for me..I always lived with the belief that once you become an adult you have some personal responsibilty and not just "blame"the parents or not help them out have them give you a paghetto ( which alot of my friends get ) after a certain age... it is true that part time income is due to the contracts they like to give ( employers).. i have one as well but I also tutor twice a week and apartment- manage which equals out to be a full-time job .. I hope to see more people keep the "sunday lunch" tradition and take their parents out and spend quality time not just as a table eating without much convo Smile..un mondo migliore Smile and for those who already do... keep it up! alien

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9 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 10th January 2010, 6:55 pm

well, regarding the OP, I can relate to the "answering bad" - i know lots of (especially males) here who are rude to their mothers. My husband does, however, give his parents gifts, and most people I know in their 30s do so.

In any case, even though I don't believe in blaming your problems on your upbringing, I do beleive in understanding how your upbringing affects your every day adult life... If the adult children don't treat their parents well it's probably because they were never required to do so... and there is the whole other element of how males in general in this country (over the past 3-4 generations) have been raised with too many free-bees... they tend to take their parents and their wives for granted. Obviously, I am just talking about the majority of the people I know here, so don't anyone get offended.

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10 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 10th January 2010, 8:21 pm

I wonder how things will be here in lets say 20 years.. if it will become more equal as far as male and female household duties . Alot of people my age ( around 25 ) have no real desire to settle down ( live together with their bf or get married ) and are pretty content with seeing them a few times a week. Surprised and they arent as "clean crazy" as their mothers are.. che ne so!

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11 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 10th January 2010, 11:36 pm

I know people in their mid/late thrities who are still doing the clubbing scene and 'seeing' people, and I am talking about women as well as men. I think to myself how can they still live with their parents, and don't they realise that time is running out if they want a family of their own? People who tell me in their late thirties that they are not ready to settle down and have kids yet. I am not saying everyone shoudl want kids, but if it is on your wish list you do have to get realistic at a certain point! I think part of the problem is that they don't see themselves as a grown up yet. I left at home at 18 and although I did go back and stay with my parents in between various moves it was always a temporary stop-gap and I always had to be responsible for myself financially, pratically etc.. I don't think Italian parents of these last few generations have been doing their kids any favours by acting like servants and not expecting them to do anything for themselves or anyone else...

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12 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 11th January 2010, 12:23 am

Lizzie wrote:I don't think Italian parents of these last few generations have been doing their kids any favours by acting like servants and not expecting them to do anything for themselves or anyone else...

exactly

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13 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 11th January 2010, 1:10 am

yeah sometimes the best things you can do for your kids is let them figure things out for themselves..as hard as that may be.. perhaps now that the european union exists we will see more motivation to get out of the parents house/ or study "erasmus" elswhere..

I've posed the question to those who don't work full-time or at all if volunteering may be a good option. I wonder how common that is here? could be a positive thing to do between jobs/ help build social contacts.. I am interested in helping a friend ( she volunteers to a foundation a count has regarding saving horses that used to race) .. it would be a GREAT experience.. in more ways than one! Very Happy

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14 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 15th January 2010, 1:25 am

volunteering is so great for people. I think it's a lot less common here than in the states. Just like it's a lot less common for someone to give an old lady a ride when she's standing under the rain waiting for a bus.

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15 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 15th January 2010, 1:03 pm

I know people are allowed to volunteer at cat sanctuarys here in Roma which is nice Smile

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16 Re: Does anyone help their parents here? on 15th January 2010, 1:34 pm

we live together with mine parents in law,

mine husband gave for his dads birthday money to go on holliday with his mum.to egypte.

i buy sometimes flowers for his mum as she babysit our daughter when i have to work.

we also have a handicapt uncel living in the house,and lots of time i let him eat ad our side so his parents can eat alone without him.

so yeah there are people taking care of there parends.
but ofcourse its not like the past.than it was so normal to take care of your parents.

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